Straight Men: Ya’ll Are GAY

It’s time to give up the act. We all know, it’s pretty obvious, straight guys. We know you are secretly hounding for the D, you talk about it all the time. I’ve seen the way you slap your best bro’s ass while loudly proclaiming “no homo!”. Give it up, we know what you mean and it SCREAMS “yes homo”. Hell, even science isn’t on your side (TW: transmisogny). You look for penises as much as you look for vaginas in porn. In fact, you don’t just love dicks, you love BIG dicks. You can’t get enough of men with huge cocks. Straight men, you are the gayest people to walk this earth.

I have never met another group of men that hounds other guys about their dicks as much as straight men do. They are always talking about dick. Seriously. They brag about their own, ask other dudes about theirs, and its one of the most common things straight men look at in porn. I have never heard gay men talk about penises in the way straight men do. It’s like it is part of bro code to talk about the dick as much as possible. They even draw penises on everything. If you’ve ever stepped foot into a men’s locker room or bathroom, you’ve seen at least 5 crudely scribbled penises on the walls, lockers, anything they can profess their love of cock on.

Who names their online accounts, passwords, and so one after penises? Straight men. SirLongSchlong? Most likely straight. Bigcoc69? Straight. Straight men spend most of their time thinking about dick. It’s their favorite past time. They compare their dicks to one another, actively engaging in staring contests at another man’s penis in order to see who is the best. It rules their world. They love giant cocks. They thrive for them!

For loudly proclaiming no homo at anything remotely gay, or not, you certainly like to make everything gay. That car? Gay. That person who killed you in League? Gay. That play your favorite team made? Gay. Hell, even some of the things you do are gay. What gives? For a group of men who pride themselves on being as not gay as possible, you sure wish everything was gay. In fact, I’m pretty sure the reason is because you want to jump into bed with them. Why else would suddenly everything be gay? There is something tugging at you heart, or dick, strings and it is definitely that other man’s cock.

On top of that, not only is everything gay, but everything and everyone sucks dick! Telling people to suck a dick is a straight man’s favorite past time. It’s like they are projecting these fantasies onto other people, telling them what they really wish they could have. Freud would be proud of the straight men of today, openly projecting their deepest gay desires onto everything, like a dog pissing on everything in a pet store.

The jokes too! If it’s not about being gay, it’s about taking it in the ass. How many gay buttsex jokes have you heard from gay men? Now compare it to how many you hear from straight dudes. That barstool joke? Most likely created by straight men. Why? Cause they all secretly crave a hot throbbing rod in their arse. It’s true!

How they act around other men is no exception either! Ever see what happens when a group of straight men get into a room together, especially in a room where they must be scantily clad together like a locker room? They grope, slap, and grab at each other like animals in heat. They grab and slap asses. They hide articles of clothing. It seems as they do anything to keep their friends naked and touch their asses as much as possible. Gay men never engage in these practices because for some reason, between straight men yelling “no homo” they are perfectly ok. Honestly, they just want to keep their gay lust under wrap.

Even your loudly proclaimed “no homos” every time you touch another man are a dead give away. You are so worried that someone may find out about your secret love for your bro’s schlong that you must tell everyone, at every opportunity, how straight you are. You need to loudly proclaim how many women you’ve slept with while telling your buddy to your left to stop being such a fag. We know deep down inside why you need to proclaim “no homo” when you give him a big tight bear hug complete with back thump when he leaves. You want it. You want it bad.

We understand that you are insecure about your sexuality and need to broadcast it to the world. You’re struggling with homosexual feelings and thoughts. We see your pleas for help an recognition as clearly as we see that penis your drew on the bathroom stall. It’s obvious what you want; the D. It’s on your mind all the time, why else would you proclaim how everything else is gay, how everything sucks dicks, and talk about buttsex and penises like they are going extinct?

We get it. You just want to be all up and down that man meat without all the actual repercussions of being gay in today’s society. I mean, you could lose your house, your job, your family, even your life! But that is all avoided by a simple no homo as you reach for your best friend’s naked ass after a long day of wrestling. Right? I mean, it can’t have anything to do with the fact you perpetuate the very notion that two men can’t be affectionate without it being gay, right? I mean, everything is gay, even the things you dislike, so how could being gay ever be a bad thing? If you loudly proclaim your heterosexuality at every turn while comparing your dicks, you can’t be perpetuating the idea that being even seen as gay is a negative thing., right? Why else would you be afraid of people seeing you as a gay man?
If you couldn’t figure it out, this is a satire piece pointing out just how gay straight male homophobia is. Yes it’s overly sexualized and semi-cissexist because straight men.


Author: Lucian Clark

Lucian Clark was born and raised in South New Jersey. Recently they published their first novel, a dark romance, titled Cemetery Drive. Their works have been featured across numerous platforms such as The Advocate and in anthologies like Werewolves Versus and Postcards From The Void. They've also been featured on several podcasts to talk about horror, activism, and their writing. With a passion for all things spooky, horrific, and queer, Lucian can often be found on social media talking about werewolves, rats, and My Chemical Romance. When not actively writing or reading, Lucian is also the curator of the queer horror website, GenderTerror, which features original art, stories, interview and more. They can also be found playing video games or with their pets (currently some rats and a cat). They are active in local and national social activism with a focus on LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice.

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